Finding pieces of self

Postpartum

THE PAPER:

The husband was carrying the baby for what seemed like a day that would never end for his wife.

She was determinedly looking at her phone screen as if she’d make the best use of this burst of motivation that made an appearance only after 10pm every night. The baby would usually be asleep or someone in the house would be helping him sleep and she could quickly read that day’s newspaper.

She’d invested in the digital copy of her favourite newspaper The Hindu exactly for this reason — solitude (albeit in company) was rare and she always had to be around the baby lest he needs her. The dark room for baby’s nap and feeding left little scope for her to leisurely spread the analog newspaper and savour the content with a cup of coffee in hand. Reading the digital paper was an activity folded in the darkness of endless nights.

THE BOOKS:

She knew that every drop counted when it came to finishing off the books she wanted to read. She read

• When the sun and the moon stopped announcing their extry-exit in her warm room in those initial days with the baby
• When she wanted expert opinion on baby management
• When she wanted to get guidepost for the deep reflection that postpartum brought with it
• When she couldn’t meditate and the only respite was to focus on words in the chapters of non-fiction she gorged on
• When she religiously managed postpartum blues for 10 weeks
• When she wished to block out unsolicited advice on baby care by the best intentioned family members. She wanted to stay in touch with her own maternal instincts and she needed a crutch in the form of books to sustain that resolve
• When she missed her buddies who could indulge her in endless intellectual debates. Now only the pages of books had the fate of satisfying her intellectual needs

When her existence was centred around nourishing another being she tried her best to latch onto the more cerebral parts of her previous self. As much as she enjoyed and longed to be the nurturer she just couldn’t give up the former parts of herself.